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FileEngine::init() - CORE/cake/libs/cache/file.php, line 100
Cache::engine() - CORE/cake/libs/cache.php, line 154
Cache::config() - CORE/cake/libs/cache.php, line 126
include - APP/config/core.php, line 481
Configure::__loadBootstrap() - CORE/cake/libs/configure.php, line 638
Configure::getInstance() - CORE/cake/libs/configure.php, line 137
include - CORE/cake/bootstrap.php, line 47
[main] - APP/webroot/index.php, line 80
session_start - [internal], line ??
CakeSession::__startSession() - CORE/cake/libs/session.php, line 546
CakeSession::start() - CORE/cake/libs/session.php, line 176
SessionComponent::__start() - CORE/cake/libs/controller/components/session.php, line 308
SessionComponent::read() - CORE/cake/libs/controller/components/session.php, line 152
AppController::adminTabs() - APP/controllers/app_controller.php, line 153
AppController::setlinks() - APP/controllers/app_controller.php, line 269
ArticlesController::beforeFilter() - APP/controllers/articles_controller.php, line 13
Dispatcher::_invoke() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 209
Dispatcher::dispatch() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 194
[main] - APP/webroot/index.php, line 87
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AppController::getredeem() - APP/controllers/app_controller.php, line 569
ArticlesController::view() - APP/controllers/articles_controller.php, line 783
Object::dispatchMethod() - CORE/cake/libs/object.php, line 118
Dispatcher::_invoke() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 227
Dispatcher::dispatch() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 194
[main] - APP/webroot/index.php, line 87
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DboSource::execute() - CORE/cake/libs/model/datasources/dbo_source.php, line 203
DboSource::create() - CORE/cake/libs/model/datasources/dbo_source.php, line 587
Model::save() - CORE/cake/libs/model/model.php, line 1283
AppController::getredeem() - APP/controllers/app_controller.php, line 575
ArticlesController::view() - APP/controllers/articles_controller.php, line 783
Object::dispatchMethod() - CORE/cake/libs/object.php, line 118
Dispatcher::_invoke() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 227
Dispatcher::dispatch() - CORE/cake/dispatcher.php, line 194
[main] - APP/webroot/index.php, line 87
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Nursing Home Adopts Zero-Tolerance Policy; Senior Suicide Rate Increases
MADISON (AP)-- Administrators at the Merry Meadows Nursing Facility of Madison, one of Wisconsin’s leading senior care centers, recently implemented rules of discipline and zero-tolerance in order to further improve facility function.
Under the new requirements, seniors walk in lines when attending daily activities, undergo cabinet and drawer searches by nursing staff, pass through metal detectors, and suffer immediate expulsion and transfer upon committing “Level III” infractions.
Such infractions include the possession of banned items like aspirin, toothpicks, forks, spoons, radios, Elvis themed clothing, and hummel figurines that depict violence. Acts like idle banter are still classified as “Level II.”
Polly Anderson, the center’s deputy director, heralded this as a triumphant first effort toward better senior safety, despite an unusual spike in the rate of suicide since the implementation.
“Our approach proves to be effective and fair,” Anderson declared enthusiastically as three deceased residents were wheeled toward the back entrance. “There hasn’t been any decrease in elderly safety since we put this in place.”
She went on to further clarify the original reasons behind protecting the seniors and stated that “non-existent threats must stay non-existent. We deeply care about elder security and well being, which is exactly why we need to give them harsh penalties and take away freedom.”
Among the critics of the policy are personnel from other local facilities and those facility residents still living. The United States Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) declined to comment, but issued an official statement: “We agree with whatever the administration declares and will proceed on that basis.”
96-year-old and retired electrician Elisar Halado, himself embroiled in disciplinary proceedings for using the wrong hand during the Pledge of Allegiance, agreed to an interview to express his dismay with the enacted zero-tolerance stance. He later hung himself in his closet and was thus unavailable for comment.
To combat the recent wave of suicides, chief administrator Donald Wyman sought personally that belts be placed on the banned items list. Hanging is the common method.
The bodies found are often processed and sent to other nursing homes before making their way to the medical examiner in order to keep with the expulsion and transfer policy due to belt possession.
“We take a hard-line stance regarding senior behavior,” said Wyman with outstretched finger. “We need to send the right message to elders about rule breaking. Being dead is no excuse.”
Wyman is optimistic about the new approach to nursing care. “This is an exemplary model of authority that’s based on those from many of our country’s school districts. With results this good, just imagine how well our children are doing!”
Disclaimer:
This piece is complete fiction and has no resemblance to any one living or dead. Any resemblance is completely
coincidental and a piece of hyper imagination.
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