The teasers for tonight’s LOST episode, “Dr. Linus” suggest that the bug-eyed nemesis of…well just about everybody just might bite the big one tonight. Given that it’s a Ben-centric episode, we can be reasonably sure that Jack won’t tear anything up for another week, but if the rumors are true, just how might Ben shuffle off the network coil into the land of LOST whispers?

5) Since Ben teaches world history in this sideways world, one would expect the students themselves to either die from boredom or suicide; so there has to be a more elegant, mouse-trap of death scenario for Ben. The preferred method of death might be a student dropping the 25 pound history volume on the head of the arrogant teacher that forced their parent’s to buy it. Sure, that cut into their beer money, but enough for murder? That’s too cliché.

In a better death scene, Ben intensely describes for his class the personality of Napoleon, his driving forces and ultimate failures, veins popping from his forehead like speed bumps. Sweat pours profusely from his face as he breathlessly asks if there are any questions. One hand goes up…and he asks if the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” was accurately biographical. “BOOM!”  Ben’s head explodes in a red mist as the sheer stupidity of the question annihilates all will to live.

4) The writers of LOST love the esoteric, so presented for your approval, a flashback to the time of Alexander the Great, his ship landing on LOST Island.  There to greet him on the beach is Ben Linus, a history expert after having been bouncing around through time for…well who knows how long, really?  Alexander looks Ben up and down and using a hand signal, silently orders his captain to kill Ben where he stands. Why? Because the way great men of history survived long enough to have history written about them was by killing the overtly creepy people right up front.

3) Sent by Widmore to kill Rousseau and her child on the Island, a sideways-flashback of an alternate reality on drugs reveals what would have happened had Ben decide to just settle down and raise a family with Rousseau. Ill-prepared for the amorous libido of a recently pregnant, hormonally volatile French woman trapped on an Island, Ben’s withered body, dressed only in cowboy boots and chaps is discovered in the jungle tied to a set of bed-springs. The Others upon discovering the battered body blame it on the Smoke Monster. The clickity-clackity sounds formerly associated with the Smoke Monster must now be reconciled against the sight of a hand-cuffed Ben Linus, used up and tossed out like a sex toy. It’s enough to make even Widmore hurl pineapple chunks.  And fearing Smokey has developed a really kinky streak, they take the submarine and get the hell off the Island, setting sail to “Jurassic Park” where they heard it is safer.   

2) Ben is found murdered in his office, a large volume of coffee grounds and used coffee filters stuffed down his throat. The coroner rules it accidental but wheelchair tracks leading from the scene cast doubt on that determination.

1)  After scoring front row tickets to Aerosmith, Ben's good luck changes suddenly as Steve Tyler struts right off the stage, falling and killing Ben instantly. Well, maybe not instantly. He lives just long enough to hear some moron in the back screaming, “FREEBIRD”. If you want to make it more dramatic, he can unleash Smokey to try and get his money back.